


You Were Always A Terrible Liar

by Civiel



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, One Shot, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-08-22
Packaged: 2018-04-16 15:17:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4630134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Civiel/pseuds/Civiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Feliciano had always been a terrible liar. He told Ludwig he was fine and healthy and happy, but Ludwig knew it wasn't true. Every time the sick young man believed his worried boyfriend didn't see him, he dropped the facade. Tired eyes staring into the ceiling, a look of sorrow and pain and suffering. Feliciano was in agonizing pain most of his waking hours, no medicine or praying or lying could change that. Ludwig wanted to help in any way possible. Even if it meant he had to end it all himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Were Always A Terrible Liar

A new sunrise. A new morning, a new day with fever and medication and incomprehensible words and moans. Ludwig's days were all the same now. Waking up after a terrible night with little, to no sleep. Making breakfast, taking a shower, and then waking the young Italian currently under his care. Feliciano hated waking up early, so Ludwig always felt a tiny stab of bad conscience whenever he dragged him out of bed at 7 am in the morning. But in reality it was rarely a problem, usually he wouldn't wake up at all.

Feliciano hated waking up early, before... Before he got sick.

  
On Feli's bad days he was completely unresponsive. Drifting between sleep and consciousness, with hazy amber eyes and incoherent babbling. On those days Ludwig wondered if Feli even knew he was there with him. Other days were better.

Feli could almost keep a normal conversation some days, despite his weakened body. Ludwig lived for those days. The days were Feliciano would walk around the house while Ludwig guided him. The days he'd nuzzle Ludwig's chest as his big buff boyfriend carried him around, the days they could laugh like normal again. He would ask Feliciano how he felt, and he'd always say;

"Better"

But Ludwig knew he lied. He had known the young man for years now, and Feli was a terrible liar, he always had been.

Ludwig hated it more than anything when Feliciano lied. He used to lie about a lot of things before.

"Did you do the dishes?"

"Yes"

"Did you tell Gilbert I was out?"

"Yes"

"Do you love me?"

"No ~ "

Those lies were all so innocent. Feliciano lied to Ludwig when he was scared of getting scolded, or when he was teasing him, which was often. His copper haired boyfriend loved taunting him. Never in a mean way, Feliciano always knew where he had Ludwig, and he always knew where the line went. The sly Italian loved to make him blush and stutter with very thoughtfully selected words and actions. He'd wrap his arms around him from behind while he was baking and whisper something incredibly dirty into his ear. Or Feli would pretend to be angry about something and make his big, scary, German boyfriend loudly exclaim how ** _extremely_** fond of him he were. All while the said big, scary, German boyfriend's cheeks blushed in a red rosy hue.

Whenever Ludwig tried doing the same, Feliciano always had a snarky comeback, it used to annoy the German to no end, but it was actually kind of endearing too. Ludwig missed his teasing. Ludwig missed his personality, it was all but gone in the consuming aura of sickness now.

Ludwig opened the door leading in to Feliciano's room. The room wasn't big, but it was nicely decorated, the very organized German had made sure of that. It had plain white curtains covering the window in the far end of the room. They went well with the dark blue tapestry adorning the walls. The bed centred in the middle of the space was large and comfy. Ludwig changed the covers on it often, so that Feliciano would always feel as relaxed as humanly possible. Right now the bed was covered with a blue-toned blanket, a light pattern displaying something that looked faintly like clouds on it.

Ludwig had also picked a few flowers that he kept in vases on the various shelves and night-tables in the room. He changed the flowers every day to keep them fresh and beautiful. Although, as Feliciano was asleep most of the time, he probably didn't even notice the flora, so there was probably no point in picking new every day. However, Ludwig liked collecting them. He used to pick flowers with Feli before he got sick. Feliciano would skilfully create beautifully crafted flower crowns to put on his head, Ludwig had pretended he didn't like them.

The flowers in the room only served to remind him of better times now. 

The room was as nice as Ludwig could make it at the time being. Feli had to have his own now, to the great dismay of the clingy Italian. It had taken Ludwig days to convince him that this was the best option. Feliciano's immune system was at an extreme low the doctors had told them, so if Ludwig was to infect him with something, even something as harmless as a cold, he'd be at risk of dying.

Feliciano was unresponsive again today, as he had been the whole week. Only once or twice had Ludwig managed to exchange a few coherent words with him in the last few days. He had asked him if he felt better and Feli had lied and said he did. Ludwig had asked him if he felt any pain and Feli had lied and said he didn't. In a weak moment Ludwig had desperately told him how much he loved him, how much it hurt to see him in pain. Feliciano had told him he'd never leave him alone, naturally he had lied about that too.

Both men were painfully aware of the graveness of his condition, Feli lying to himself and Ludwig, only made things worse. In all honesty the desperate German had wished Feliciano had told him he would be dead soon instead, it would be easier on them both. He hated himself for even thinking that.

Feliciano's condition worsened every week. He was in need of constant care. Ludwig bathed him, fed him, gave him medication and loved him as much as he always had, if not more.

Oh gods he loved him so much.

He had never loved anything more in his entire life, but seeing the one thing he adored above all else in the entire world, the most beautiful being Ludwig had ever laid his eyes upon in this state... It tore him apart. Not because Ludwig found it tedious to take care of him, quite the opposite. He'd walk to the end of the world and back for his best friend and lover, he'd do anything to make sure Feliciano was happy and healthy, but right now Ludwig knew he was neither. He just wanted him to be free of the pain he went through every day, Feliciano pretended he didn't care, he smiled for him and tried brushing it off and he kept telling jokes to make him laugh. But every time Ludwig looked away he could see the pained expression on Feli's face, the misery in his all too weary eyes.

After Ludwig had bathed Feliciano as he always did around this time of day, he tucked him back under those light blue covers adorning his bed. He made sure to make it as comfortable as possible for Feli, he always did. And as usual Ludwig stayed a while after he was done. Feliciano was still sound asleep, he had been sleeping through the whole morning routine, nutrition would have to wait.

Taking a seat in the chair next to Feliciano's bed, Ludwig studied him. His chest was rising in a slow but steady rhythm, he looked so peaceful, so content. The young man was in agonizing pain most of his waking moments, so Ludwig much preferred it when he slept like this, it gave him time to truly look at him unhindered. Watching Feliciano sleep was one of Ludwig's favourite things in the whole wide world. When they first started sharing a bed, Feli was always the one to fall asleep first. The Italian would turn and twist and talk in his sleep, and sometimes he would grab Ludwig's arm or wrap himself around his leg. He missed sleeping next to his warm and happy goofball of a friend so much. More than Feli was ever allowed to know.

"Luddy?"

A weak voice enquired softly. Ludwig got so surprised he almost fell out of his chair.

"Ja! Ja... Feli, I'm here right beside you"

Ludwig reached for Feliciano's hand as he always did when he spoke to him. These waking moments were so precious for the both of them. Despite the pain constantly looming over the sick young man, Ludwig wanted to make the most of it. He wanted to just hold his hand and have uninteresting conversations about nothing and everything until his lover fell asleep again. Just forget about time and space for a while.

Feliciano smiled. Eyes still closed.

"Thank you... For sticking with me" He whispered. His voice was hoarse and feeble. The usually excited tone he sported hadn't been heard by Ludwig for quite some time now, he was afraid he never would hear it again.

"Of course, of course" Ludwig whispered quietly while gently stroking Feliciano's hand over and over and over again, almost frantically. Trying to calm him, to keep his body relaxed and still. The more Feli moved, the more pain he would be in.

Feli's hand unexpectedly twitched, startling Ludwig a tiny bit.

The pained man let out a low whimper, he was clearly in pain, but he was still as hell-bent as ever on hiding it for Ludwig.

"I'm fine, it's okay" Feliciano mumbled, while slowly moving his eyelids. His eyes were blank from the fever and looked extremely drained, but he still beamed up at Ludwig with all his might, trying to look as happy as he could manage.

"I'll never leave you Luddy"

Ludwig squeezed Feliciano's hand a bit too hard as he spoke the words... Ludwig didn't care. He had heard that promise way too many times lately. When the sick young man was trashing around in his bed, Ludwig would hold his hand and gently kiss his forehead to reassure him, and Feli would say it over and over again until he passed out from exhaustion. He promised to never leave him, but, Ludwig thought; if the only reason Feliciano refused to let go, was because he wished to keep Ludwig happy...The last thing Ludwig wanted was to be responsible for the agonizing pain of the person he loved over everything else in the entire universe.

"It's okay Feli... It's okay" Ludwig didn't know what else to say.

"Never" Feliciano turned his head slowly, staring directly into Ludwig's eyes now. Still smiling. Ludwig wished he'd stop.

Tears swelled up in the German's eyes now. He couldn't take it anymore. He had to try, he had to say something to Feli, to make him understand that it was all okay. It was now or never. He had to make Feli understand that it was okay to let go, no matter how much the mere thought of it made Ludwig dizzy and miserable and incapable of thinking straight. If he could have switched places with Feli he would, any day, without a second thought. Ludwig knew his lover was going through hell, he just had to make him know he didn't have to keep on living for Ludwig's sake, because Ludwig wanted nothing else than Feliciano's happiness, and at the current time the little Italian was nothing but miserable and pained.

Ludwig let go of Feliciano's hand. Turning his head away from those big eyes the colour of amber that so frantically tried to tell him how much better he felt today. Desperately trying to make Ludwig believe him when he said he was fine.

"Feli... Feliciano"

A big lump of sadness and doubt was rapidly growing inside of Ludwig's throat, blocking it, making his eyes damp. It was rendering him almost incapable of breathing normally. Almost incapable of keeping his quickly forming tears in check. He wanted to cry so badly, just let it all out and embrace Feliciano, hold him close to his chest and take away all his pain. But he knew he had to do this, he had to try.

Feliciano seemed genuinely interested now, curious. He was giving Ludwig his full attention. That meant it was now or never, Ludwig thought. Because if Feli went unconscious again, he had no idea how long it would be until he could reach him properly and get him on this level of alertness again.

"I don't love you anymore"

Ludwig's own words shocked him, sending chills down his spine. Hearing himself say that, to the person he'd give his life to and more if he could... He couldn't believe it. He wanted to take it back the minute he'd spoken the words, he started to panic, an icy shudder spreading throughout his body. But he kept his cool as well as he was able, he had to do this, for Feliciano's sake.

"I never did really... I..." Ludwig dared to take a quick glance at his bedridden lover, that was a huge mistake. Feliciano looked at him. Eyes wide and innocent and oh so beautiful. But he was still smiling, although subtly now. He looked at Ludwig as if he knew something Ludwig did not, and it was clear that Feli didn't pay attention to Ludwig's words at all. He figured he had to do better than that, he had to make him believe him. No matter how excruciatingly difficult it was for Ludwig to speak the words.

"No Feli you don't understand!" Ludwig raised his voice. All his pent up anger and frustration suddenly released.

"I don't need you anymore, you can leave... I... I" A tear rolled down Ludwig's face. He was way past his breaking point now. The last year had been hard, it had been hell. But Ludwig had to do this. He thought to himself, he had to do this to stop Feliciano's suffering. No matter how much this hurt his very soul, it would hurt Feliciano far more living like this for any longer than he already had.

"Please just... Die"

Saying the last word was too much for Ludwig, he rose to his feet in one rapid movement. Desperately looking for a way out. He needed to take a walk, he had to leave, he just had to get away for a little whi-

"Luddy..."

Feliciano quickly grabbed the bigger man's hand, making him unable to escape without a fight. His grip was surprisingly strong, and so calm. Feliciano held Ludwig's hand in an attempt to calm him down, to sooth his quickly rising heartbeat, just as Ludwig himself had done with Feli's mere minutes ago.

The German reluctantly but still somewhat relieved, took a seat next to the bed again, Feli's hand still clutching Ludwig's in an iron grip. He couldn't look at Feli, not after what he'd said. He didn't dare to look at his striking face or his kind eyes or his tender smile, Ludwig was scared that if he did, he wouldn't ever be able to look away.

Feli released his grip slowly, freeing Ludwig. But not long after he moved his hand up to caress Ludwig's cheek instead. Wiping away the tears that had gathered, streaming down from his sapphire guilt-ridden eyes.

Feliciano guided Ludwig's head sideways so that he could look him in the eyes. Trying to line up Ludwig's gaze with his own. They sat like this for a few seconds, just staring at each other, getting lost in the depth of the other's soul.

"You were always a terrible liar, bello " Feliciano whispered while his eyes lost focus.

The warm hand on Ludwig's cheek slipped, slowly sliding down the side of his face and neck, lightly caressing every inch of skin it touched before going limp as it reached his chest. Feliciano closed his eyes one last time and sighed contently before his breathing stopped completely.

Ludwig stared at his lover's still body for a solid five seconds before it hit him. It hit him harder than anything he'd ever experienced before. Feliciano Vargas, the man he'd protected and cared for and picked flowers with and cuddled with and loved more than life itself was...

Gone...

Ludwig didn't leave the room with the flowers and the blue covers and the white curtains that day. He sobbed and screamed and clutched his lover to his chest, babbling an incoherent mess in German and English and the little Italian he knew, begging Feliciano to wake up. But in reality, deep down inside he was relieved. Not for his own sake, but for Feliciano's. Ludwig was left with nothing but overwhelming grief and loneliness and sorrow and suffering. But at least Feliciano was free and happy and ridden of pain. At least Feliciano didn't have to lie to him anymore.

It was all over now.

**Author's Note:**

> A few things to note:
> 
> 1\. The idea for the fic was not mine, I found it on this one tumblr post a while ago, unfortunately I lost it though. if I ever find it again I will link it in the description. 
> 
> 2\. I didn't put too much thought into Feliciano's affliction. I am not an expert on that sort of stuff, so exactly what he is suffering from is up to your imagination.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
